Author: Sabour Al-Kandari

Due to popular demand, I postponed writing an article about the academic part of University life to write this one about marriage, why am I not surprised? Without further adieu, I present an over-simplified guide to life leading up to marriage.

Intention and Preparation

First things first, you have to get your niyyah (intention) in check. Are you looking for a spouse to improve your deen, move forward in your life and start a new page? Or is it all about raging hormones (brothers) or showing off to your friends (sisters). I can’t begin to stress how serious of an issue this is, if your intentions are bad, everything else will crumble. A lot of brothers are really into the idea of marriage because of one thing – and it causes a whole mess of crap with their judgement. Don’t get me wrong, getting married to prevent haram and fitnah is a good thing, but if it’s the only thing on your mind you’re going to find yourself looking for the wrong things in a spouse, rushing and making poor hasty decisions.

This brings me to the next point, is it even the right time for you to be getting married? Everyone’s different and will have their own unique situation, but you have to figure out how marriage fits in to your life with your level of maturity, behavioural preparation, academics/graduation, financial situation and family (everything you’re actually going to be dealing with while you’re married).  Here are just a few questions you could ask yourself about your level of maturity:

  • (Brothers) How independent are you? Does your mom still do everything around the house for you and/or is your dad still your ATM? If you’re still a lazy slob, all you’re really planning on doing is an umbilical cord transfer from your mom to your wife.
  • Are you sinful in certain areas that you really shouldn’t be? Are you not practicing? Do you have bad akhlaq, weak communication/compassion, a poor temper and are constantly bickering in your own house? These are things you have to settle before you get married, because they will just be compounded later on when life kicks in.
  • Most importantly, do you realize the magnitude of the sacred trust with Allah that comes when taking on a spouse? Are you prepared for all the rights and responsibilities your spouse has over you that you will be held accountable for?

One really big question to ask yourself that sums up a lot of this is about the very real possibility of having a child and all the enormous responsibilities and tasks that come along with it (because that’s what happens when people get married, see Birds and Bees vol.1).

So where do you stand?

After careful consideration of all the above factors and more, you’ll find yourself falling into one of the following three categories on a scale of 1-3:

  1. Not looking
    “I am not prepared to get married at the moment”
  2. Passively looking
    “I would not be ready to get married if I found the right person tomorrow, but I do see it happening in the near future”
  3. Looking
    “I am ready to get married, even if I find the right person as soon as tomorrow”

Of course you might be somewhere in between, maybe a 2.8 giving things a month or so.

Not looking

This category is the least problematic in terms of searching issues because there is no searching. However you might find yourself under family pressure to get married soon, especially if you’re a sister. Here’s the thing, don’t be afraid to constantly re-evaluate and rethink yourself and your situation. If you’re getting a lot of pushy sentiments from family/friends and proposals, keep an open mind to what other people are saying and give it some honest thought. Learn to thrive off other people’s feedback.

Passively looking

Most people in school would fall into this category, and it’s the most complex and capable of causing problems (gotta’ love being a youth)! The issue is you’re somewhere on the border of a social dynamic that tends to be more black-and-white. For example, what happens when you get an expression of interest from a potential candidate? Are you going to go through the meeting process, which is something someone who is “looking” would do, or would you tell them you’re not ready yet, which is almost a kin to a rejection and “not-looking” behaviour? There are a lot of details you have to iron out here, and you have to be especially vigilant in keeping your intentions in check, because there are so many fitnah causing behaviours you could fall into.

  • Are you justifying lustful gazes at the opposite gender? “Hey I’m interested in marriage” you might tell yourself, but then what’s the difference between you and everyone else if you spend years doing that and never actually propose?
  • Are you becoming more and more excessive in inappropriate inter-gender conversations?
  • Do you find yourself hanging around the wudhu area at YorkMSA even when you still have wudhu!?
  • Do you have a problem with poking non-mahrams (on facebook or in real-life)!?
  • Do you fantasize about your “future marriage” with someone you see as “potential”? You should know something’s seriously wrong when your pre-named future kids Asma and Dawud get into the picture, and even more so when you’ve already decided their careers…

Despite all the opportunities to get on the wrong side of things, there are a number of positives that can come out of being in this category if you do things just right. For one, you can actually enjoy your last bit of time in single-life before you have a lot of responsibilities to handle. When you’re married you’ll have a lot less time to chill with the guys and play Call of Duty without getting a slipper thrown at you (Starcraft 2 +Black Ops = rethink marriage). You can make really special and productive use of this time and learn more about the deen, go to more courses and lectures and volunteer around the community. This will also give you a chance to learn about the fiqh of marriage and speak to other more experienced brothers and sisters so you can learn more about others’ experiences with married life as background info. Then, you’ll know what to look out for so you can improve on your own bad habits that you might get away with as a single, but will make your married life a headache.

The Priming Technique ©

Here’s something that I’ve seen work wonders. You might have parents that are oblivious to your future marriage intentions or are not on the same page about certain things. Use this as an opportunity to test and slowly mould the territory! Bring up very casual and gentle conversations about marriage in the future and your ideas, and figure out what you’re going to be dealing with on their side. This is the perfect time to slowly work with issues like how you want a spouse who is strong in the deen, what disagreements you may have with their culture, and other issues like moving out to your own place. The secret is to not be too aggressive and slowly give time for things to settle with them, which is exactly the resource you have! It’s easier to deal with things slowly now then all at once when you’re about to get married, which could explode in your face. They’re sure to suspect that you’ve already found someone, but once they realize you’re just being very transparent and open with them, it’s a brownie-point bonanza!

Looking

So you’re ready to get married but you’re not sure what to expect. You have to be clearly defined in what you’re looking for. Don’t ever pick someone based on what they “could be”, marry them for who they are. I don’t want to just copy and paste, but there’s an extremely useful article on “4 Rules to Picking Your Spouse Quickly” by brother Siraaj Muhammad whom I have a lot of respect for, here’s the link on his blog and be sure to check it out:
http://muslimbestlife.com/blog/?p=140

A big issue is that a lot of brothers/sisters are actually looking, but are still in passive mode. There are a number of factors at play here, parents being one of them. You’re going to have to make use of the priming technique but tweak for less time. Another thing is people don’t know where to look, but you really have a ton of places to choose from. Connections can be made through family, local masjids/imams, school and Islamic conferences just to name a few. Another reason for the lack of action stems around fear of rejection, which definitely needs to be dealt with. You have to be extremely comfortable with getting rejected and handing out rejection. The worst-case scenario is not getting rejected, it’s two people getting married who aren’t right for each other – so keep your priorities straight.

The other big one keeping people hesitant is haya (modesty/shyness) that’s naturally built into people. This is an awesome thing, but it shouldn’t be hindering progress and paralyzing Islamically appropriate interaction. One thing you can do is practice recreating the scenario in your own head with different potential outcomes (keep things realistic please, no flying/web-slinging/invisibility/super sayin 4 etc). If things are still difficult, there are a number of workarounds:

1.      Ask around and relay the expression of interest through someone else.

2.      Send an e-mail.

3.      My personal favourite, write a letter on a piece of paper and throw it at them as hard as you can (get your aim right), or make du’a and throw it blindly into the brothers/sisters section. Your projectile might need a little mass to fix its trajectory, so try filling it with rocks.
LOL just kidding. Seriously please don’t do that, I don’t want to have to answer on the Day of Judgement for paper-proposal madness.

Conclusion:

You’ll notice that most of the advice about such a huge social step targets your own heart and actions, and that’s really where the foundations are built. Be real with yourself and then you can be real with someone else.  You’ll also see how parents play a role in just about every step. Knowing how to keep things positive with your parents is a huge skill that you have to learn not just for marriage, but for your whole life. I’m hoping to write another article just dedicated to parental relations, “Parents Just Don’t Understand, but Neither Do You” insh’Allah.

Of course, I’m far from being an expert in this field. So please, share your own experiences/advice in the comments, alongside with any other sources of knowledge or potential reading so other people can benefit insh’Allah.

May Allah bless all of you and your families, grant you success with your marriages and bless you with righteous children. Ameen!